COMMANDOPE

COMMANDO (1985)
dir: Mark L. Lester

COMMANDOPE
Cracked #219, May 1986
w: Mort Todd
a: Bob Fingerman

While 90% of writers and artists here are deceased and/or my grandparents' age, there are a few I can consider “contemporaries”, mostly from this era of Cracked. Fingerman is only four or five years older, having started professionally at college age while I was finishing high school. He has done far better work since, including work for MAD, and I apologize if he's embarrassed by this. We even collaborated once and it's still in print. I haven't been in touch with him as much in about twenty years since we've criss-crossed on different coasts. As I've mentioned before, being the completist that I am, I'm bound to come across people I know when doing this.

But anyway, Commando. Part of a wave of action films from the mid-80s to the mid-90s. In this, Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a former military man whose daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano) is being kidnapped by men from another country who need Matrix's help for them stage a coup in their country. The film opens with the other men of his former troop being killed off, and his former commanding officer Kirby (James Olson) letting him know they're after him.

In the first panel in the background are Tom Bosley, who was then the spokesperson for Glad trashbags, and the cat from Tex Avery's King-Size Canary. In the bottom panel some of the mercenary soldiers include Flat-Top from Dick Tracy, RanXerox, and Ed “Big Daddy” Roth's Rat Fink.


To make sure Matrix does the job of going to South America to reinstate Arius (Dan Hedaya) back into power, he is escorted onto the plane by Sully (David Patrick Kelly). At the parking lot, Sully hits on Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), finally takes no for an answer after several attempts, then Matrix comes and commandeers her car, chases Sully to a mall, kills a bunch of cops, knocks Sully over in a phone booth and eventually chases Sully off the road and throws him into the river.

You'd think Cindy would flee first chance she got, but it's 1985 so she stays and helps Matrix. They break into a gun store and steal supplies, he gets arrested, and she breaks him out of the paddy wagon by blowing it up with a grenade launcher they stole. Then they go down to the waterfront and steal a Cessna (I think that's what it's called).

I don't remember this beach party scene. I think it has something to do with them landing on a beach when they get to South America.

Now that Matrix is on Arius' turf he goes face to face with him and then his main henchman, an Australian he was on the force with named Bennett (Vernon Wells). Jenny, who has been kidnapped this whole time, escapes, and Bennett is electrocuted and impaled. General Kirby comes back after this is over asking him to come back to the force, but he says he's through. In the parody, he has to fight Sylvester Stallone, his real-life box-office competition.