YOU ONLY LIVE NICE

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)
dir: Lewis Gilbert

YOU ONLY LIVE NICE
MAD #165, March 1974
w: Arnie Kogen
a: Mort Drucker

From 8 James Bomb “Bomb” Movies

Sean Connery's next-to-last James Bond movie before he was replaced by George Lazenby for one movie then brought back.

THUNDERBLAHH

THUNDERBALL (1965)
dir: Terence Young

THUNDERBLAHH
MAD #165, March 1974
w: Arnie Kogen
a: Mort Drucker

From 8 “James Bomb” Bomb Movies.

Thunderball was the fourth in the James Bond series. Bond (Sean Connery)'s enemy here is Largo (Adolfo Celi) of SPECTRE, whose mistress was Domino (Claudine Auger). It was followed by From Russia, With Love.

THE SPY WHO GLUBBED ME

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)
dir: Lewis Gilbert

MAD #199, June 1978
w: Dick DeBartolo
a: Mort Drucker

In the prologue, James Bond (Roger Moore) is called away from his latest affair in Austria, and outsmarts Russian agents pursuing him skiing his way to England by shooting them with a gun that's one of his skis. In Russia, Anya Amasova a/k/a XXX (Barbara Bach) is given an assignment to search for the plans about the missing submarines we saw on the first page, and also given the bad news that her lover was killed on a mission in Austria. Bond is given the assignment in Britain to search for those submarines, studying its route.

A rich businessman,.Karl Stromberg (Curt Jürgens), meets with two scientists about a submarine tracking device, thanks them from presenting it to him, and feeds is secretary to a shark in his underwater city to show what will happen if they betray him, then blows them up in the helicopter they leave in so he won't have to pay them. Then he sends his henchman Jaws (Richard Kiel) to find anyone else who may have the microfilm for his submarine tracking system. James Bond is in Egypt in search of the microfilm, where Fekkesh and Max Kalba are his leads. There he meets XXX, competing for the same assignment on behalf of Russia.

Neither are able to obtain the microfilm, and both escape Jaws. Bond and XXX's superiors, M (Bernard Lee) and Gogol (Walter Gotell) have them team up for the assignment for the good of both countries. They realize Stromberg is responsible for the missing submarine and take a train to his hideout in Sardinia, where they are pursued by Jaws. It looks like he will overpower them until Bond electrocutes Jaws through his metal teeth and throws him off the train.

Bond and XXX meet Stromberg in his underwater city posing as a married couple, he pretending to be a marine biologist wanting to build an underwater city of his own. They leave and Stromberg knows who they really are, sending Jaws after them again. Bond realizes he's being followed and escapes by driving underwater in his sportscar, which doubles as a small submarine. Later XXX finds out the boyfriend she lost was the Russian agent we saw in Austria, killed by Bond, and when they finish the assignment, she will kill him.

Bond and Amasova board an American submarine, USS Wayne, to examine the Liparus, a ship they discovered a model of earlier when poking around Stromberg's Atlantis headquarters, but the submarine is captured by the tanker, which is revealed to be a floating submarine dock. Stromberg sets his plan in motion: the simultaneous launching of nuclear missiles from the captured British and Soviet submarines to obliterate Moscow and New York City. This would trigger a global nuclear war, which Stromberg would survive in Atlantis, and subsequently a new civilization would be established underwater. He leaves for Atlantis with Amasova/XXX, but Bond escapes and frees the captured British, Russian and American sailors.

Wayne is ordered by the Pentagon to destroy Atlantis but Bond insists on rescuing Amasova first. He confronts and kills Stromberg but again encounters Jaws, whom he picks up by his teeth with a magnetic device, which he turns off when Jaws is over a shark tank, dropping him in. However, Jaws kills the shark and escapes. Bond and Amasova flee in an escape pod. Amasova picks up Bond's gun and points it at him, but changes her mind and they do it. The Royal Navy recovers the pod and the two spies are seen through its port window, to the astonishment of their superiors on the ship.

THE SPY WHO SNUBBED ME
Cracked #148, January 1978
a: O. O. Severin (John Severin)

This was the cover for the German humor magazine Kaputt:

THE SPY WHO SNUBBED ME
Sick #120, April 1978
w & a: Dave Manak

ON HIS MAJESTY'S SECRET SHAMUS

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)
dir: Peter Hunt

ON HIS MAJESTY'S SECRET SHAMUS
MAD #165, March 1974
w: Arnie Kogen
a: Mort Drucker

From 8 “James Bomb” Bomb Movies.

This was the only James Bond movie to have George Lazenby before Sean Connery came back to the franchise one more time (the official one, at least), and just about the only thing Lazenby was ever known for besides That's Armageddon (see below). Diana Rigg is mentioned as “soon to have her own TV series” though The Avengers had been around for years and was already in some American markets, so I'm not sure what that's about .

From A Cracked Look at 007 by Mort Todd and John Severin in Cracked #216, November 1985.

00$- MONEYRAKER

MOONRAKER (1979)
dir: Lewis Gilbert

MAD #213, March 1980
w: Stan Hart
a: Harry North, Esq.

The previous James Bond film was promoted to cash in on the success of Jaws, even naming a character after him, and this next one was packaged to cash in on the success of Star Wars. It involves Bond (Roger Moore) sent to investigate the theft of the space shuttle Moonraker, only to find out its owner Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) has more sinister plans. Drax's main henchman is Jaws (Richard Kiel) and his earlier henchman is Chang (Toshiro Suga).

The mini-episode before the credits involves Bond back from his previous mission. The plane is hijacked, the pilot escapes, and he's pushed out by Jaws. Falling without a chute, James Bond manages to take the one of the escaping pilot. Jaws attempts to chase Bond but his chute won't open and his life is saved by landing on a circus tent.

Bond goes to investigate the appearance of the Moonraker's shuttle and is given a tour of the Drax corporation. On his tour of the facilities, their scientist Dr. Goodhead (Lois Chiles) shows him their centrifugal test ride, which is sabotaged by Chang. That night, he beds Drax's assistant Corinne Dufour (Corinne Clery) to get the plans for the ship.

The next morning, Drax finds out Corinne has let Bond get the secrets and releases his hounds after her. Bond is riding by himself on a gondola in Venice and Drax has hired assassins to chase him down and kill him, he eludes the hitmen by revealing the gondola has wings allowing him to float on land. Bondhad discovered a vial earlier in a glass factory (not shown) and leaves it on a table while staying at the Drax complex. It's full of gas and breaks, killing the scientists working there. He later seduces Dr. Goodhead, knowing she is an undercover agent for the CIA. She knows he is also a secret agent and they decide to work together.

Chappaquidick was the name of an estate where the Kennedys had a party in the late sixties. Teddy drove a woman home, crashed into the ocean, and her drowning ruined his chances of ever becoming President

Bond is sent to Rio De Janiero to investigate the gas he discovered. It is secretly being manufactured by Drax's company there because that's where the orchid from which the gas is made grows. With the aid of their contact Manuela (Emily Bolton), he looks into it, Jaws attempts to kill him, but he is carried away by Carnival revelers. Jaws also makes an attempt on his life while he is riding a cable car with Dr. Goodhead.

Jaws falls off the cable car, lands below the controls, meets someone and falls in love with a woman who pulls him from the wreckage (Blanche Ravalec). Bond and Goodhead are taken away in an ambulance which is hijacked. He escapes an attempt on their life and ends up being chased through the Amazon, getting away on a parasail. Jaws eventually catches up to him and brings him to a lagoon, where he's attacked by a snake and kills it with the pen he was given at the beginning of the movie. The lagoon is part of Drax's laboratory where he comes out and reveals that he was the one to steal his own shuttle. His plan is to send that one shuttle into space with several ideal couples while using the gas he was developing to kill everyone on Earth, repopulate the species with the young couples, and create a Master Race.

Bond is then taken to headquarters where Goodhead has already been kidnaped. Using his hidden weapons, he is able to outsmart Drax and the rest of his crew, preventing Moonraker from launching. Jaws has a change of heart. They say it's because he's found love, but I think it's because he found out he won't be a part of this eugenics experiment. Bond and Goodhead have rescued Moonraker and the world's leaders have gathered to watch them return to Earth, but turn on the monitors and find them screwing.

Cover to British edition

And the German one

MOONWRECKER
Cracked #166, Januaru 1980
a: Sururi Gumen

The MAD parody didn't use the beginning of all James Bond movies with M (Bernard Lee), who always tells him what his latest mission is, and Q (Desmond Llewelyn), who provides the newest technology.

The MAD version also leaves out Chang's attempt to kill Bond while he's snooping around the glass museum in Venice. The Samurai was a recurring John Belushi character on Saturday Night Live.

From A Cracked Look at 007 by Mort Todd and John Severin, in Cracked #216, November 1985.

MOONROCKER
Crazy #59, February 1980
a: Murad Gumen

The henchmen is named Chang, even though they take off on the name Oddjob.

Skylab was a U.S. space station in the seventies that disintegrated when it landed back in the Earth's orbit and pieces landed on Earth.

007- PLASTICEYE

GOLDENEYE (1995)
dir: Martin Campbell

IF JAMES BOND WERE UPDATED FOR THE POLITICALLY CORRECT 90S
MAD #340, October/November 1995
w: Mike Snider
a: Angelo Torres

This was done in anticipation of Pierce Brosnan becoming the new James Bond. I can't tell if this is supposed to be a liberal or conservative take. 'Politically correct' once being a self-mocking term, then taken seriously and co-opted by the right as a wedge issue to win elections, which is now still the same thing but called 'woke'.

“Pushy Galore” is a caricature of Barbara Streisand. 'Monkey Business' was the name of the boat where Senator Gary Hart was ruined by a sex scandal.

007- PLASTICEYE
Cracked #306, March 1996
w: Lou Silverstone
a: Walter Brogan

The prologue has Bond and fellow agent Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) destroying a Russian chemical weapons plant, and Bond escaping in time by commandeering a crashing plane

At a casino later, James Bond meets Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), She turns out to be head of the Janus crime syndicate and his assignment is to stop them from acquiring GoldenEye, a satellite system. They take over the French ship the Eurocopter Tiger.

Xenia kills men by crushing them between her thighs and seduces the admiral of the Tiger, then steals his ID and uniform. At Severanya, an outpost in Siberia, they are hacking into the Golden Eye system, aided by Boris (Alan Cumming) and Natalya (Izabella Scarupo). M (Judi Dench) briefs Bond on his new mission, and he accepts the fact that a woman is his superior. Q shows him the latest gadgets.

John Severin is a Cracked artist so they use his name for the name of the station.

At St. Petersburg, Bond meets CIA agent Jack Wade (Joe Don Baker) who has arranged his meeting with Russian gangster Valentin Zukovsky (Robbie Coltraine) who arranges the meeting between Bond and Janus.

Xenia Onatopp tries unsuccessfully to seduce James Bond with rough sex play and former partner Trevelyan turns out to be the head of Janus. Natalya, the survivor of the Severanya destruction, has the info on the stolen GoldenEye and becomes Bond's love interest.

There is a chase leading to Cuba as Bond tries to get the GoldenEye to explode into space while the Russians try to destroy the Earth. Xenia tries one more time to end up killing Bond but ends up being caught in a tree by the rope she's holding onto.

At the base, Boris is forced to unlock the code that will explode the missiles onto the ground and illegally transfer bank funds (forgot that part) but Natalya has changed it. In the epilogue, Bond thinks he's alone with Natalya, but Jack Wade and several marines have been there hidden all along.