A-Z GUIDE TO MOVIES AND TV SHOWS PARODIED BY MAD, CRACKED, CRAZY, ETC. UP TO 1996. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. SPOILERS AND OTHER NON-SEQUITURS, TOO. SOMETIMES THESE THINGS HAVE WORDS OR SITUATIONS WE DON'T USE ANYMORE. YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY'RE OLD.
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OY, WHATTA STORY
Cracked #306, March 1996
w: Andy Simmons
a: John Severin
Another parody I suspect was written from press materials before being able to see the movie.
The toys, led by Woody (Tom Hanks), are a piggy bank (John Ratzenberger), a Slinky dog (Jim Varney), Mr. Potato Head (Don Rickles)Bo Peep (Annie Potts), and Rex the Tyrannosaur (Wallace Shawn). They eavesdrop on their owner Andy (John Morris)'s birthday party. The father is not in the movie.
Andy's new toy, an astronaut named Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) fascinates all the other toys. Buzz thinks he's a real person and doesn't realize he's just a toy like the rest of them. Woody is jealous of Buzz's popularity and worried about being shunned, schemes to kill him and sets a trap to get him to fall out a window.
Buzz's catchphrase is “To infinity and beyond”
The other toys get mad at Woody and turn against him, but don't go outside like in this, and there's no teddy bear.
Woody feels bad for what he did and goes out to get Buzz, and now they're lost. They find Andy and his mother at a pizza arcade restaurant but end up in the home of Andy's neighbor Sid (Erik Von Detten), a sadistic kid who takes toys apart and has an even more menacing pit bull. Woody and Buzz, once enemies, reconcile when Buzz realizes he's onlt a toy and gives up.
At Sid's house, examples of his previous toy “experiments” are strewn about the room, and Woody and Buzz fear they'll be next. Sid shows up with plans to destroy them the next day when he wakes up.
Reference is made to Apollo 13, a live-action Tom Hanks movie.
In the real movie, Andy is moving, and Woody and Buzz catch up and their other toy friends in the van using the M-80 Sid planned to torture Buzz with. After everything has now settled down, it ends with Christmas and Andy's new gift, which is even worse competition for them, a puppy.
APPLIANCE STORY
MAD #345, May 1996
w: Dick DeBartolo
a: Steve Smallwood
THE SANTA CLOD
Cracked #298, May 1995
w: Andy Simmons
a: John Severin
I was saving this for Christmas then my computer was broken on Christmas then after everything was fixed I had this new backlog and I'm trying to do things alphabetically and blah blah blah, but here it is.
A family film that became a whole franchise. It's about Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) who sees Santa fall off his roof and then disappear. He sees a note to put on the suit and continue the work and thinks it's a one-time thing, but not realizing the fine print in the note says that he's legally bound to continue as Santa Claus.
Scott is divorced from his wife and shares custody of his son Charles. Charles' stepfather Neil (Judge Reinhold) thinks he's ready to outgrow Santa, but continues to believe in him once the father continues as Santa.
Scott's magically stretched when chimneys are too small and his bag of toys is replenished for each job. He overcomes obstacles in each home and everything is taken care of for him. He thinks he's done and will go back home but it taken to headquarters at the North Pole where the head elf (David Krumhholz) gives him instructions for the next year.
Scott finds himself turning more and more into Santa Claus. Charles knows the transformation is real, but his mother (Wendy Crewson) and stepfather think Scott is taking the delusion too far and take custody of Charles. Scott has kidnapped Charles and have sent the police out to look for them.
Scott/Santa is caught and arrested, but elves rescue him so he can continue his work and everyone believes in him again.
THREE MASCOTEERS
Cracked #121, November 1974
a: John Severin
David Carradine, Tom Laughlin, and Lee Majors' characters are not in the movie.
D'Artagnan (Michael York) inadvertantly ends up insulting Athos (Oliver Reed), Porthos (Frank Finlay), and Aramis (Richard Chamberlain), The Three Musketeers, at different times when he first arrives in town, and must duel with them. They are attacked by the Cardinal's guards and he teams up with them temporarily. They are impressed with his swordsmanship and split the money they have taken with him. D'Artagnan finds lodging which he almost turms down until seeing that the elderly lady's wife Constance (Raquel Welch) is there.
It is Ron Ziegler, John Ehrlichman, and John Mitchell of the Nixon staff in the second panel
Though D'Artagnan has proven himself a worthy fighter, there's no room for him as a musketeer.
Meanwhile, the queen (Geraldine Chaplin) has confided her troubles in Constance, who asks d'Artagnan to go to England and retrieve the diamonds. D'Artagnan and the three musketeers set out. Planchet is played by Roy Kinnear.
On the way, the cardinal's men attack them. Only d'Artagnan and his servant make it through to Buckingham, where they discover the loss of two of the diamond settings. The duke (Simon Ward) replaces the two settings, and d'Artagnan races back to Paris. Porthos, Athos, and Aramis, wounded but not dead as d'Artagnan had feared, aid the delivery of the complete necklace to the queen, saving the royal couple from the embarrassment which the cardinal and Milady de Winter (Faye Dunaway) had plotted.
THE THREE DUNCE-KETEERS
Sick #101, December 1974
w: Fred Wolfe (Paul Laikin)
a: Jerry Grandenetti
Constance's husband is played by Spike Milligan.
The movie was remade in 1993 directed by Stephen Herek.
THE THREE MUSKE-TWITS (1993)
Cracked #289, May 1994
w: Andy Simmons
a: Walter Brogan
In this retelling, Aramis is Charlie Sheen, Keifer Sutherland is Athos, Oliver Platt is Porthos, and Chris O'Donnell is D'Artagnan.
Tim Curry is the Cardinal (hence the Rocky Horror joke), and Rebecca DeMornay is Milady DeWinter.
Julie Delpy was Constance, Gabrielle Anwar was Queen Anne.
Jack Kervorkian was a doctor in the 90s that invented a machine to make suicide easier. I've mentioned Lorena Bobbitt a million times, but if you didn't catch it before, she was the one who cut off her husband's penis,
This is the earliest parody posted so far, pre-dating any of these magazines or comics. The Three Must-Get-Theres was released in 1922.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III: THE SACRED SANDS OF TIME (1993)
dir: Stuart Gillard
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJERK TURDLES III: THE SACRED SEQUEL OF DUMBNESS
Cracked #281, July 1993
w: Andy Simmons
a: Walter Brogan
As with a lot of Walter Brogan parodies, I can't tell exactly what's going on, but I'll try.
Kenshin (Henry Hayashi) is the son of a feudal lord in sixteenth century Japan, and objects to war and goes alone to his temple while Walker (Stuart Wilson, drawn here as Prince Charles), an English trader, supplies him with arms. Kenshin finds a scepter, touches it and is transported to the present.
In the present, April O'Neil (Paige Turco) is about to leave on vacation and visits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles, Raphael, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Leonardo, to give them gifts. She gives that scepter to Splinter, the TMNTs' rat master, but touches it and ends up switching places with Kenshin, sending her back to Japan.
Kenshin refers to the Turtles as “kappa”, and is confused, but knows enough English to have explained to him what happened. Donatello calculates they have to go back in time to save April but have a few days before the power of the scepter goes away. April's boyfriend Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) shows up wanting to kick ass but has to stay behind to stay and watch the warriors the Turtles have to switch places with when they go back in time. April is back in Japan being tried for witchcraft.
The other Turtles go to the castle of Kennshin's father Norinaga and rescue April and also free Whit, a prisoner resembling Casey. In the woods, the Turtles, April, and Whit are attacked by villagers mistaking them for Norinaga's forces. Here's where I get confused.
ROOKIE OF THE WEIRD
Cracked #286, December 1993
w: Andy Simmons
a: Walter Brogan
Henry Rowengartner (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is a twelve year old kid in little league who isn't very good at baseball. He has a supportive mother Mary (Amy Morton) who has a boyfriend Jack (Bruce Altman). Henry slips on a baseball during a little league game and breaks his arm for the summer.
When he's in a cast, Henry's arm is stuck in the “heil” position, a joke that wouldn't have been seen as loaded in 1993
When Henry has his cast removed, his tendons turn to have been wound a little too tight, giving him faster reflexes. Meanwhile, the Chicago Cubs manager (Dan Hedaya) is looking for something that will save his job and bring more people to games. Henry and his friends attend a game and when the ball gets in the bleachers and he throws it back, it's discovered his newly-healed arm is a superior pitching arm.
Henry is immediately recruited into the Cubs and taken under the wing of his idol, aging pitcher Chet Steadman (Gary Busey), and goofy team manager Phil Brickma (Daniel Stern).
There are all sorts of subplots not covered here like Henry and his friends George and Clark discovering girls, the boyfreind turning evil, Henry fixing his mother up with Chet, etc.
Steadman is being brought back in even though he knows he's aging. There's a sportscaster (John Candy) giving a play-by-play for all the games. Henry falls ago, losing his super-arm, and finishes most of the game by outsmarting pitchers. He wins the last inning all on his own, then he's done.
POCAHONTAS (1995)
dirs: Mike Gabriel, Eric Goldberg
HOKEYHONTAS
MAD #341, December 1995
w: Dick DeBartolo
a: Walt F. Rosenberg (Steve Smallwood)
Steve Smallwood was someone who worked for Disney so it was a conflict of interest for him to use his real name.
Pocahantas (Irene Bedard) is a member of the Powhatan tribe in Virginia. Her animal sidekicks, mandatory in any Disney movie are a racoon named Meeko and a hummingbird named Flit. The village where the tribe lives is about to be taken over by the English, led by Governor Ratcliffe (David Ogden Stiers) and his henchmen Thomas (Christian Bale) and Captain John Smith (Mel Gibson). Their animal sidekick is a pug named Percy.
The English are going to call their new land Jamestown. Pocahantas has been told by her father (Russell Means), chief of the tribe, she is to marry Kocoum (James Apaumut). She sees there is more to life, which she sings about in “Just Around the Riverbend” (below), and asks advice from Grandmother Willow (Linda Hunt), who lives in the form of a tree.
Pocahantas meets John Smith, who tells him his men have come to the area looking for gold, of which there is none. Her father tells her to stay away from the white man, She is torn between his people and hers, and again asks Grandmother Willow what to do.
The conquerors and natives battle. After Meeko is killed and John Smith is wounded and Pocahantas is in love, they all realize fighting is useless. Except for the Governor, who his men tie up before he can inflict more danger. They must return home to give John Smith the medical attention he needs, and he and his men bid she and her people farewell.
A few issues earlier, this was MAD's Fold-in. Since it's impossible to fold a screen, the folding has been done for you.
Casper came out the year before and was the big childrens' movie hit Disney had nothing to do with. And Casper and the Ghostly Trio had always been compared to the ghosts of Ghostbusters.
POCAHONEY
Cracked Summer Special #5, Summer 1995
w: Andy Simmons
a: Walter Brogan
Cracked got into how Disney's comic relief animals are generally the ones used for merchandise. Pocahontas sings “Colors of the Wind” (below) to convince John Smith against imperialism.
