007- PLASTICEYE

GOLDENEYE (1995)
dir: Martin Campbell

IF JAMES BOND WERE UPDATED FOR THE POLITICALLY CORRECT 90S
MAD #340, October/November 1995
w: Mike Snider
a: Angelo Torres

This was done in anticipation of Pierce Brosnan becoming the new James Bond. I can't tell if this is supposed to be a liberal or conservative take. 'Politically correct' once being a self-mocking term, then taken seriously and co-opted by the right as a wedge issue to win elections, which is now still the same thing but called 'woke'.

“Pushy Galore” is a caricature of Barbara Streisand. 'Monkey Business' was the name of the boat where Senator Gary Hart was ruined by a sex scandal.

007- PLASTICEYE
Cracked #306, March 1996
w: Lou Silverstone
a: Walter Brogan

The prologue has Bond and fellow agent Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) destroying a Russian chemical weapons plant, and Bond escaping in time by commandeering a crashing plane

At a casino later, James Bond meets Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), She turns out to be head of the Janus crime syndicate and his assignment is to stop them from acquiring GoldenEye, a satellite system. They take over the French ship the Eurocopter Tiger.

Xenia kills men by crushing them between her thighs and seduces the admiral of the Tiger, then steals his ID and uniform. At Severanya, an outpost in Siberia, they are hacking into the Golden Eye system, aided by Boris (Alan Cumming) and Natalya (Izabella Scarupo). M (Judi Dench) briefs Bond on his new mission, and he accepts the fact that a woman is his superior. Q shows him the latest gadgets.

John Severin is a Cracked artist so they use his name for the name of the station.

At St. Petersburg, Bond meets CIA agent Jack Wade (Joe Don Baker) who has arranged his meeting with Russian gangster Valentin Zukovsky (Robbie Coltraine) who arranges the meeting between Bond and Janus.

Xenia Onatopp tries unsuccessfully to seduce James Bond with rough sex play and former partner Trevelyan turns out to be the head of Janus. Natalya, the survivor of the Severanya destruction, has the info on the stolen GoldenEye and becomes Bond's love interest.

There is a chase leading to Cuba as Bond tries to get the GoldenEye to explode into space while the Russians try to destroy the Earth. Xenia tries one more time to end up killing Bond but ends up being caught in a tree by the rope she's holding onto.

At the base, Boris is forced to unlock the code that will explode the missiles onto the ground and illegally transfer bank funds (forgot that part) but Natalya has changed it. In the epilogue, Bond thinks he's alone with Natalya, but Jack Wade and several marines have been there hidden all along.