INBANANA JONES AND HIS LAST CRUDE DAYS

INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)
dir: Steven Spielberg

INBANANA JONES AND HIS LAST CRUDE DAYS
MAD #291. December 1989
w: Dick DeBartolo
a: Mort Drucker

The prologue begins twenty years earlier with a younger Indiana Jones (River Phoenix) stealing a cross from the crooks who discovered it because he believes it should go to a museum. They chase him across the rooftops of a circus train, and he falls through one full of snakes, establishing his fear in the first Indiana Jones movie. He goes back home to tell his father of his good deed, who won't listen to him, foreshadowing their rocky relationship when they later reunite. The law catches up to Indy and makes him return the cross to its rightful owners, the robbers he outran. The head of the gang admires Indiana's moxie and bequeaths his panama hat, more establishing.

The main plot of the movie is Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) going on an adventure with his father Henry (Sean Connery). Indy hates being called Junior more than anything.

Having recovered the cross yet again in the present (the thirties, when this takes place) and given it to the museum owned by Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott). He learns that his father went missing in Venice looking for the Holy Grail but left behind his diary. Indiana and Marcus go to Venice to find his father and the Grail and meet his father's co-worker Elsa Schneider (Alison Doody) there. Figuring out clues, he concludes the first place to start looking is under an X in the Venice Library. There are catacombs underneath, one of which has an inscription leading to the Holy Grail. They get chased and the water containing petroleum is set on fire, which they escape from through a manhole, and are chased further by boat through the rivers of Venice.

Indy and Dr. Schneider are being pursued by a secret society, but when he tells Kazim (Kevork Melikyan) that he's looking for his father and not the Grail, Kazim tells him Mr. Jones is in a castle in Austria. When they get there, he's reunited with his father and finds out Elsa is a Nazi (the fact that her name is Elsa should have tipped him off), and both Joneses are captured. While they try to escape, they end up setting the room on fire and it's revealed both have had sex with Elsa (the latter's not essential to the plot, just further establishes the friction between the two of them). Part of the diary is given to Marcus for safekeeping while he returns to the states, but he ends up being captured by Nazis. Indiana gets the diary back from the Nazis disguised as one of them while at a book-burning rally. Hitler is there signing autographs and grabs the diary from Indy. Indy, thinking he's been busted, gets the diary handed back to him by Hitler, who just thought it was an autograph book.

”walled Kurtheim castle” refers to Kurt Waldheim, a UN secretary-general who was revealed to have been in the Nazi party in his past.

With the map and the clues in the diary that reveal maps, clues, and obstacles, they're able to get to the Holy Grail. After an initial misstep in not using the Latin spelling of 'Jehovah', they get to a bunch of cups guarded by a knight who has been there since the Crusades. He has been kept alive by the Grail, which grants everlasting life to anyone who drinks from it. Walter Donovan (Julian Glover), a businessman from earlier who collects artifacts such as these and turns out to be a traitor to the Nazis, drinks from the wrong cup and immediately shrivels up. The real one is used on Henry, who had been shot earlier. Here, when he is revived he is drawn as his younger self as James Bond. They are warned not to leave with the Holy Grail or everything will crumble. Elsa tried to take it on behalf of the Nazis and that's what happens, but the Joneses leave in time.

Vanna White was letter-turner-arounder for Wheel of Fortune. The Exxon Valdez was the biggest oil spill up to that time.

Cover for the Brazilian edition. Juba & Lula was a kids' show down there.

Swedish version.

German one.

Australian one. I said in the sidebar, if anyone has scans or copies, I'll now post parodies of foreign shows and movies from other editions of MAD as long as they're in English.

WINDIANA BONES AND THE LOOT CRUSADE
Cracked #249, November 1989
w: Tony Frank (Lou Silverstone)
a: Walter Brogan

INBANANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF GOONS

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (1984)
dir: Steven Spielberg

MAD #250, October 1984
w: Dick DeBartolo
a:Jack Davis

Second in the Indiana Jones franchise (third one tomorrow). Opens at Club Obi-Wan in Shanghai where Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) is singing. Archaeologist/explorer Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) has found the remains of an ancient emperor which he is giving crime boss Lao Che (Ray Chiao) in exchange for a diamond. After being given the diamond, he has been double-crossed and the crime-lords have poisoned his drink and threatened not to give him the antidote unless he returns the diamond. After her act, Willie comes to the table, because in movies, nightclub singers are always associated with criminals. Indiana then holds her for ransom unless he gets the antidote and amidst chaos that's been created, both the diamond and the antidote fall on the floors and everybody crawls on the ground looking for the respective properties they want.

Indiana has both the diamond and the antidote and is being chased by gunmen. He runs out of the club and takes Willie with him, I guess to have a female co-star, and they're rescued in a car driven by Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan), Indiana's very young sidekick. They escape in a plane which happens to be owned by Lao Che, and the plane's crew leaves them while in flight, and the only thing they have to escape in before the plane crashes is an inflatable raft. They land in the Indian village of Mayapore.

The Shaman there believes Indiana has been sent by god and ask him to free their kidnapped children and retrieve their lost Sankara stone from a palace in Pankot. The Maharaja's Prime Minister Chattar Lal (Roshan Seth) welcomes them and invites them to dinner, and are disgusted by the food made from unfamiliar species and parts, and monkey brains for dessert. When they spend the night, an assassin tries to kill Indiana. He has a chance to sleep with Willie and discovers her room is booby-trapped with controls that lead to a secret passageway. He and Short Round explore tunnels that correspond with a map and they wind up in a cave with walls will crush them and yell for Willie to find a lever that will stop the walls from moving.

Willie saves them in time and is covered by bugs. They find where a sacrifice ritual is being performed by Mola Ram (Amrish Puri) of the Thuggees and also within that tunnel is the stone and the children that have been forced into slave labor. Indiana tries to get to the stone but is caught and kidnapped. He is forced to drink the blood from the sacrifice ritual which has a hypnotizing power forcing him to become one of the bad guys, and they almost sacrifice Willie. Short Round burns him causing him to get out of the trance.

After freeing the children, he along with Willie and Short Round are chased by the Thuggees tracks on mining cars in a tunnel, they escape a flood only to find themselves on a cliff overlooking a river full of crocodiles, there's a fight on a suspension bridge, the British Army shows up to help them at the last minute (none of this is in the parody, and they return to Mayapore with the stone and the freed children.

This was the cover for the German edition.

And the Brazilian one. Maybe the woman is Romberta Pose? Or from it? I don't know if Romberta Pose is a person or a show or what?

INDIANAPOLIS BONES AND THE TEMPLE OF GLOOM
Cracked #206, November 1984
a: John Severin

Blake Carrington was a character from Dynasty.

Disneyland actually has an Indiana Jones ride which I think is like this.

UPDATE:
INDIANA JONES OUTTAKES AND BLOOPERS
Maniac #2, circa 1984
w: Jovial Bob Stine
a: Steve Goldsworthy

IT'S DEPENDS DAY

INDEPENDENCE DAY a/k/a/ ID4 (1996)
dir: Roland Emmerich

IT”S DEPENDS DAY
MAD #350, October 1996
w: Dick DeBartolo
a: Angelo Torres

Government scientists notice something in the skies and the White House staff decides what to do about it. They include President Whitmore (Bill Pullman), General Grey (Robert Loggia), Secretary of Defense Nimzicki (James Rebhorne), and Press Secretary Constance Spano (Margaret Colin). The first lady (Mary McDonnell) is not actually in the room and the button she's wearing is about how she dies later in the film. I'm not sure if the joke she's making is a sexist one about how “first ladies should know their place” or one about how Bill Clinton slept around.

Wolf Blitzer is not in the movie or on any of the news broadcasts that are in the background.

The subplots mentioned in the first panel are ones that actually were in the movie but aren't depicted and involve Randy Quaid, Will Smith, and Vivica A. Fox. Maybe not enough people knew who Will Smith was when this came out but as of two days ago, nobody will shut up about him. Marty (Harvey Fierstein) and David (Jeff Goldblum) were two lab scientists and Judd Hirsch was David's father who was there for comedy relief. References are made to Hirsch being in the Broadway production of I'm Not Rappoport and his TV series Taxi.

President Whitmore is informed about the secret Area 51 conspiracy and somewhat upset it was covered up for him. Below at Area 51, he meets Dr. Okun (Brent Spiner).

The ships invading earth have a force field around them and David (Goldblum) says a virus can disrupt the force field and uses a Coke can in a demonstration to show how the mother ship can still be shot down but only in a certain time frame.

Darth Vader in the last panel is a reference to how James Earl Jones also voiced the ID for CNN.

IN DEPENDS DAY
Cracked #311, October 1996
w: Lou Silverstone
a: Walter Brogan

Having an average readership a year or two younger, Cracked stuck to the actual plot more often in their movie parodies.

Jim Carrey as The Cable Guy reference in this as well. His T-shirt refers to how he got $20 million for per motion picture. Goldblum's character wore glasses in the movie and Judd Hirsch had a beard.

There was friction between David and the President alluded to, including Constance having been married to David and leaving him for her career.

Steven (Will Smith) is engaged to Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox). He's the one who becomes a hot-shot fighter pilot, she's on the run and rescues the first lady.

Something about Jasmine being a stripper and rednecks trying to hijack her truck in this fugitive caravan. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's going on in these Walter Brogan parodies.

“Don't ask, don't tell” was the government's policy that was a way of trying to appease both sides of the debate on gays in the military when that was still an issue.

Prominent politicians of the day (some of whom are still around) were Kenneth Starr, Newt Gingrich, Pat Buchanan, Al Sharpton, and Bob Dole.

UPDATE:

A CRACKED INTERVIEW WITH "THE ALIEN"
Cracked Monster Party #34, Winter 1996
w: Lou Silverstone
a: Walter Brogan

Stephen King interviews the alien. The car mentioned is his book Christine. In the background is the witch from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Even though The Shining is considered one of the greatest horror movies of all time, King hated the way it was adapted and had it remade for TV.