DEADWOOD SCISSORSHAM

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990)
dir: Tim Burton

DEADWOOD SCISSORSHAM
MAD #304, July 1991
w: Dick DeBartolo
a: Angelo Torres

Starts with Wynona Ryder in old-age makeup telling the story of Edward Scissorhands to her granddaughter. Edward (Johnny Depp) is the creation of an inventor (Vincent Price), who is here in the splash, but we actually don't see him at the beginning of the movie.

Peg (Dianne Wiest) is an Avon representative who comes across a mansion while making her rounds and discovers Edward to be its sole resident and takes him in. The nosy and horny neighbors in their housing development see she has a new boarder and are curious about him.

At dinner with Peg's family, he has trouble using a knife and fork with his hands. While helping with the barbecue, an electric can opener brings flashbacks to life with the inventor. (He dies from a heart attack before getting a chance to give Edward human hands, not from being impaled). At the picnic, he becomes a hit when he gives he housewives and their their dogs new haircuts.

One of the housewives here is Sinead O'Connor

He becomes an overnight sensation in the town and appears on a talk show. The host here is drawn as Geraldo Rivera. Peg's daughter Kim (Wynona Ryder) and her boyfriend Jim (Anthony Michael Hall) take advantage of Edward's ability to pick locks with his hands to break into the part of Jim's house where his father hides his money, but the alarm system traps Edward, who is wrongfully arrested and too timid to do anything about it.

Kim sees Edward's vulnerable side and falls in love with him. The town doesn't, and turns against him. (Left out: He and one of the neighbors plan to open a hair salon together, but when he doesn't read her sexual advances, she feels scorned and joins the mob). Edward retreats to his mansion, Kim follows, Jim finds them and they fight, leading to Jim's accidental death. Kim leaves Edward, never to see him again, and as she exits the mansion convinces the crowd that Edward is dead in addition to Jim.

The cops in Edward's arrest are Depp's co-stars from 21 Jump Street.


EDWARD SCISSORHANDY
Cracked #263, July 1991
a: Frank Borth

Cracked did this one-page parody.

This was in the issue before that one.

Here was the cover for the Australian edition. They didn't actually have 304 issues, they just kept their numbering in sync with the home version.

I think there was more than one porn parody called Edward Penishands.