ICE STATION ZEROX

ICE STATION ZEBRA (1968)
dir: John Sturges

ICE STATION ZEROX
Sick #73, February 1970
w: Fred Wolfe (Paul Laikin)
a: Bill Robinson

With Sick I often wonder if they had editorial meetings about what they thought the lowest-grossing movies of the year would be and decided those would be the movies to spoof. Or maybe someone on the staff made a list of movies they knew would flop as a practical joke. Can't figure out why they would do things like this, Downhill Racer, Me, Natalie or They Shoot Horses, Don't They?. MAD and Cracked had their share of misses too, but their predictions were at least based some possible box office draw. Sick was either tone deaf or chose what they had the most photographic reference for.

Some movies I can't see because I don't have access to, this I do but choose not to watch because it's not how I want to spend two and a half hours. (Yes, it's that long.)

A satellite re-enters the atmosphere and ejects a capsule, which parachutes to the Arctic, near a British scientific weather station moving with the ice pack named Drift Ice Station Zebra, approximately 500 kilometres (320 mi) northwest of Station Nord, Greenland in the Arctic Ocean ice pack. A person approaches, guided by a homing beacon, while a second person secretly watches from nearby.

Immediately afterwards distress calls begin to be broadcast from Ice Station Zebra. Little can be wrung from them beyond that there was a fire and casualties in some sort of disaster. Commander James Ferraday (Rock Hudson), captain of the American nuclear attack submarine USS Tigerfish stationed at Holy Loch, Scotland, is ordered by Admiral Garvey (Lloyd Nolan) of Naval Intelligence to rescue the survivors, outside the normal chain of command, with confirming orders through regular channels to follow. He is told only about the ice station incident. An imperious British intelligence agent, "Mr. Jones" (Patrick McGoohan), and a U.S. Marine platoon join the Tigerfish while in dock. After setting sail, Captain Anders (Jim Brown), a strict officer who takes command of the Marines, and Boris Vaslov (Ernest Borgnine), a Russian defector and spy, an old comrade of Jones', are delivered by helicopter. The submarine sails beneath the thick Arctic pack ice but is unable to break through with its conning tower. Ferraday instead orders a torpedo shot to fracture the ice. When the inner torpedo hatch is opened to load it, sea water rushes in, flooding the compartment. The extra weight forward causes the submarine to nose dive, which is only arrested before the boat reaches crushing depth. Jones asserts it was no accident and Ferraday discovers sabotage. Ferraday suspects Vaslov, while Jones points to Anders. After an area of thin ice is detected, the Tigerfish breaks through to the surface. Ferraday, Vaslov, Jones, and the marine platoon set out for the weather station in a blizzard. On arrival, they find the base almost completely destroyed. Jones and Vaslov start questioning a few hypothermic survivors about what happened.

It could be a coincidence, but “Atomic Gomer Pyle” might be a reference to the rumor that Rock Hudson was involved with Jim Nabors.

Jones reveals to Ferraday that he's looking for a canister of film with immense Cold War implications. It was shot by an advanced experimental camera designed by the British, which uses special film developed by the Americans, both of which technologies were stolen by the Soviets and sent into orbit to photograph locations of American missile silos. However, the satellite also recorded all the Soviet missile sites as well. Due to a malfunction, it ejected its film delivery capsule near Ice Station Zebra in the Arctic. Both Soviet and British agents were deployed to recover the capsule. Jones concludes the Soviet agent slew the British, with some scientists dying by gunfire before the fire was set to cover the agent's tracks.

After being summoned by Ferraday through a hole in the ice, the Tigerfish erupts immediately adjacent to the camp. Ferraday sets his crew to search for the capsule. Jones discovers a tracking device but is knocked out by Vaslov, a Soviet double-agent and the saboteur. Anders confronts Vaslov and the two men fight before the dazed Jones shoots and kills the American Captain. Ferraday enters the hut and is alarmed at discovering Jones bloodied and unconscious, Anders riddled with half a dozen gunshots, and Vaslov unharmed. He appears to accept the Russian's story that Anders had attacked Jones, who in turn shot him.

Tigerfish detects approaching Soviet aircraft. Ferraday has Vaslov use the tracker to locate the capsule, which is discovered buried in half a foot of ice. A large force of Soviet paratroopers arrive and demand the film. Its commander produces a detonator, and tells Ferraday he can explode the capsule, film and all, even inside the submarine, if the Americans try to leave with it. After Ferraday hands over an empty container, the deception is discovered and a brief firefight occurs. In the confusion, Vaslov tries to take the film but is wounded by Jones. Ferraday orders him to give the film to the Soviets. The canister is sent aloft by weather balloon for recovery by aircraft. Moments before it is taken, Ferraday activates a detonator he had found that had been cached with the tracking device, destroying the film and denying either side the locations of the other's missile silos. The Soviet colonel concedes that crucial parts of both his and Ferraday's missions are effectively accomplished, with no more of either yet attainable, and leaves.

Tigerfish completes the rescue of the civilians. A teletype machine reveals media headlines claiming that a joint US-Soviet rescue in the Arctic has been successful, and that the "humanitarian mission" stands as a sterling example of peaceful cooperation between the United States and the Soviet Union.

Ernest Borgnine was in a play/movie called Marty, the famous line being “I dunno, watcha wanna do tonight, Marty?”