NONSENSE BLOOD

INNOCENT BLOOD (1992)
dir: John Landis

NONSENSE BLOOD
Cracked Monster Party #19, January 1993
w: Lou Silverstone
a: Walter Brogan

Weird target for parody, considering the movie didn't do too well.

The cover is a parody of a cover Norman Rockwell (hence the signature) did for The Saturday Evening Post more than once of teenagers on their first date at a soda shop. The heart in the middle spoofs the circle the Post often used on their covers.

It starts out with Marie (Anne Parillaud), a vampire, narrating the story, telling about how she only feeds on people she knows deserve it. In their secret headquarters, mob boss Sal “The Shark” Macalli (Robert Loggia) has one of his men whacked. TVs are always on in the background throughout the movie, usually showing Bela Lugosi as Dracula.

Another mobster, Tony (Chazz Palmentieri), hits Marie with his car, and yells at her for denting it, then asks her out. Figuring he's a criminal, she accepts. As they're making out in his car, she bites him and feasts on him, her eyes turning red to show she's a vampire. She then shoots him so people won't realize it's a supernatural death. Later, undercover cop Joe Gennaro (Anthony LaPaglia), along with the coroner and DA (Angela Bassett) find him with all his blood drained out. As he's investigating, the press sees this and it goes in the papers. Sal sees this and puts a price on his head. His lawyer Manny (Don Rickles) tells him he can't keep acting crazy. Marie, now embedded with the mob, also tells him. He admires she can stand up to him and asks her out. They go to his home, he thinks he's seducing her, but she's seducing him, and bites him.

Cops find him dead and take him to the morgue, where he comes back to life. He goes to Manny's house and now that he's a vampire, bites Manny, almost killing him. Manny is taken to the hospital, is almost saved, but a nurse opens the curtains and he's disintegrated by the sunlight. Sal finds Joe, and his men almost crush him in a trash compactor, but Marie picks him up in a stolen car and saves him in time.

She knows Joe is one of the good guys and wants to help him with his case. They go to a hotel room and make love. She reveals she's a vampire so she'll know how to bring the criminals down but he has to trust her and he has to wait until sundown. Sal's plan is to make all the people who work for him immortal like him by biting them. Joe and Marie break into mob headquarters and do away with everyone by either snapping their necks or putting a bullet through their heads. Sal escapes and runs out into the street causing a traffic jam and overturning vehicles. Joe and Marie finally do away with him by lighting the spilled gasoline from all the overturned cars and trucks and causing an explosion. Now that's done, Marie decides she has nothing to live for and plans to commit suicide by facing the rising sun. Joe goes after her wanting to start a relationship which she says could never work. Using the final line from Some Like It Hot, he says “Nobody's perfect”. In this, her family is the one from the Godfather movies, although from different generations.

The man on the TV in the second panel is VP Dan Quayle, who had a scandal when he told a schoolchild 'potato' was spelled with an E..